healing me.

Open my eyes and let them see over and beyond fear and finality, insecurity and insignificance, loneliness and the letting go.

My heart must trust if it will go on.  I have to be able to be strongly weak, trusting that God is still God and that he is indeed good and aware.  The recoil of loss has been the posture of strength and holding it all together.  Into the eyes of my daughters drifting and grabbing for a solid something to hold them in the stormiest of emotions and the most frightful of dreams, I look with strength.  And they find solidness.  And they hold.  That strength is not my own though I have owned it.  It is Godly and it is given.  No man no matter the training, experience or fortitude can survive the pain of death present and grief of loss not leaving in the absence of God’s good grace and mercy.  It is just not possible.  Whether we see it or not or believe it or not, God is active always.  The smile of a friend, the compassion of a co-worker, the kindness of a stranger, the sun warm on a cool day, details just working out, all God’s handiwork and allowance of grace and strength in our lives.  We somehow make it through.  That somehow has a name.

I AM, it is.   God enough.   God always.   God forever.

It is indeed in this exactly and only that my healing is held.  Trust is the way to that healing always.  My prayer simple: open my eyes that I might see you through all and trust again despite the deepest wound and the fragility remaining.

I have seen the dawn.  Now I must hold the light.

Trust.   Healing.   Whole.  

Wanting tomorrow is not nearly enough to get me there.  Desiring God’s goodness is great, but short of having it.  Hoping to heal is only a start.  Writing about healing in my own heart has put my foot to the path, but only my foot to the path.  Trust is the activity of walking and the reality of wholeness in my life.  Not trusting leaves me as an observer standing still on the path, knowing but not doing, wanting but not having the wholeness needed to be fully alive again and compatible with the new day.

For me, to trust is to quiet the fears at rage inside.  To find home in the shelter that God is.  Anchor points that hold and remind me.

Psalm 23:6 “Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life...” Goodness and mercy will follow me as I trust and move forward.  I will find these as I am moving not standing still waiting for them.

Psalm 91:1 “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.” I find home in God and his words that give life and direction.  His shadow casts a magnificent terror upon all fears haunting and threatening me.